5 Steps of Conscious Communication

Our language doesn't just describe our reality, it creates our reality.  David Simon

When you’ve experienced an emotional upset, you can use this process to gain clarity about how you feel, identify what you need, and take responsibility to consciously communicate your needs to another person. It also helps you understand other people's needs. Here’s the  5-step process powerful practice of conscious communication based on the work of psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, the author of Nonviolent Communication.

Step 1

What happened? Coming into present moment awareness, describe the situation that has triggered your emotional upset. Avoid evaluating and judging. Simply state the facts of what happened, as though you were an objective reporter. When you regularly meditate and practice mindful awareness, you are cultivating the ability to be an objective witness to your experiences.

Step 2

What am I feeling? Describe how you feel, choosing words that describe core emotions such as sad, angry, or lonely rather than words that reinforce a sense of victimization, such as rejected, betrayed, or belittled.  This 'victimizing' language is how the ego mind would describe how you feel. Non-victimizing language is more empowering as you take responsibility for your own emotions.

This method applies to most of our typical relationships and experiences, however, there are often times when our personal safety and security boundaries have actually been crossed in a traumatic experience, and in these situations, it may feel most appropriate to use these terms. Just try to find the words that truly describe your feelings around an experience.

Step 3

What do I need that I’m not receiving? Identify what you need in this situation with as much clarity as you can. Consider the four fundamental human needs of attention, affection, acceptance, and appreciation.

Also, if you have experienced significant trauma, you may need more in-depth support and tools and some of the practices we discuss may not be the right ones for you.

Step 4

What am I asking for? Identify the specific behaviors or actions that would fulfill your needs. Then surrender to the wisdom of uncertainty, allow yourself to be vulnerable, and ask for what you need. 

Observe the response of the other person from a state of calm witnessing awareness. Remember that a request is not a demand, and you may not receive what you’re asking for. However, using this process greatly increases the likelihood that you, and the person you are communicating with, will feel more comfort and less emotional distress.

Step 5

What is the gift or opportunity in this situation? Regardless of the outcome of the situation, it’s important to look deeply at the experience and consider what you’ve learned and gained from engaging in the conscious communication process. This does not mean that all of our requests will be fulfilled, however, we have the best chance to have our needs met without creating more turmoil in the relationship.

Download the PDF for the 5 steps and for the 3 Conscious Communication word lists.

• Word that express how we feel when our needs are being met. 

• Words that express how we feel when our needs are not being met. 

• Words that express feelings of victimization and are best avoided.